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When you said that you wished you could give back as much love as you were given, I know what I should have said.

You're not struggling enough. Struggle harder. Try to change the situation as you feel, even if you end up making it worse. Because this is a vise that closes around you the more you struggle, but the truth is, as you know, is it closes around you even if you don't. But I know that you are a creature who never ceases movement.

The joy is these our hands, the tragedy is this space between them. One day I will hold out my hand to you.

I've seen the things that were born before logic, before reason...before presumption and assumption. And they are amazing, beautiful, terrible things. One of them is Love.

How are words born? When do they come loose from our heads and hearts? I know I haven't gotten much smarter since I first knew you, but it feels like the edge has sharpened. A word feels like a step forward. And people don't usually take those unless they feel the ground ahead is firm. So I think that the things I've said I either believed I said in a world that was true, or I had ceased caring. And I'm sure you can tell the difference.

The folders 'nothing' and 'what comes after nothing' contain the last of what I was before you left. Everything before it was prelude, and everything after those was denouement, or, "shit happening," in a depressing, fatalistically French sort of way. But my slightly bitter joke hides my sadness, so I'll stop here.

I'll break the moment by mentioning before I forget that this is the land where they say "Hwhat," instead of "What." Hohoho.

air pirates
asaru: surgically inserting the "arr" into "air pirates"
手紙
かわいいそな！
いや。　何でも、どうでも、こんなことは、うつくしい。あの人は、愛してる。

(kings of convenience - cayman islands)
If it seems like I just see the good in all things, well, you've only gotten the order wrong. I learned to see the good in all the things because I met you. And if you're wondering how that could be, considering neither one of us are living sainted, well, it's because I learned to see the good in all things that are in this world, because all of them are part of -this- world, the one I find myself in. And after I saw you, I could not believe the things I believed. I could not stay the same way I was. And the longer I know you, the more times I see you, the more chances I get to have moments, just droplets, of time in your presence, the more this is so. I change, and I change in front of you.

Already I know what to do. But it will take time, time that I will hurry. Driving time before them is a skill few know, but I've discovered it in 'certain situations.'

If it seems that there is so much I make reference to, that seems uncannily appropriate at times, well, I'll tell you that this is how my life has been, and the fact that these things happen to line up so well when gathered together is something I don't exactly understand. Either that, or a lot more is going on than I know about, unconsciously listening to the songs of the world...but that would be pretty interesting too.

How much purer these thoughts get, when I put miles down, to get away from where I am, to let my thoughts wander to where you are...

"I saw what happened when I tried to live like it wasn't there, dude..."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah. Imagine a nuclear reactor joint-operated by Satan and God in your backyard, and imagine that it powered everything you were and did. Now imagine trying to live like it wasn't there. Wierd, terrible things would start happening to you."
"Whoa."
"Yeah, I'm not kidding."

Heat is not really random motion. It's just motion that occurs at the right scale, at the right time, for the way we live. It's just that we don't know enough to create that, so we pick it up as best we can from the shaking of temperature.

Have you ever pulled somebody back from a cliff? I have. I think if you spend enough time near them, you'll meet someone for whom you'll have to. But when I think about it, life near those edges isn't really any different from anywhere else. Just...sometimes you get the chance to show someone the truth in that last second--
--and maybe they live to see it again.

I sit, I munch on this banana, I stare at K____.

Strange. Again I am in a situation where I have to put up everything to get away with it. I guess the point of no return never registers on this radar. Well, if I get away with it, I'll let you know.

(sarah mclachlan - plenty)
It's true that if you admit all the assumptions, if you admit the frame to the picture, the Prophet's journey won't be easy. "Get everyone to plug their heads into a network"? Hah! People will have to get a lot closer together, and that means a lot of wounds will have to be healed, a lot of scars cut out. There's going to have to be a lot of honest work, getting people together. I would like to believe that with enough of that, we can all get together. But if that doesn't work, we can get as far as we can, as close to the edge of that cliff as possible, and launch our ship of dreams from there. It's there that I'll lay the keel.

(kings of convenience - sorry or please)
So I'll keep riding, I'll keep walking, and damn it, I'll keep crawling and scraping until I get to where I'm going. On the way I'll stop and give this to you, and I will patiently await your reply. It may be I've stated it too many times, but it's the capstone to this idea and the keystone to this arched gate. Please tell me of this damn fool idea, and tell me if there's any hope in it that I haven't just put there. Because I have a lot of life left in me, and if anyone can think of something better, it's you.

--

Whatever else you say about it, K______ is a good place to get a second wind. Rolling up and down the gentle hills at a fairly gentle speed, the dormant forests and the green patches are the only things under the blue-grey sky. I remember this place.

A Countach-looking thing flashed his lights at me when I left town, and so I winked at him back (you know, Kawasaki headlights). I stopped at a convenience store and bought a cup of coffee to warm up, and had a few conversations.

The first guy was a turkey hunter from K____ City, who said he'd owned a new ZX-12R since 2000. We reflected on the toughness and nature of the Kawasaki sport bike, and then, he mentioned the scrapes on my fairing. I went to tell him about how it was all right, the bike was real tough, and he interrupted me again.

"Did it hurt you?"

"No, not at all."

"Oh, well, then that's all right."

And we continued our conversation. He told me he was a fair weather rider, but that he wished me good luck. This is the concern of a man on a motorcycle.

The second guy told me I was right to head east, if I wanted to get out of the way of a storm that was coming to put one last foot or two of snow on K______. He too wished me well.

The third guy was peering at my tires, which are starting to get squared off from long highway rides. He reflected that I probably wouldn't want to go 120 or 140 on those things, which I cracked up and agreed to. He mentioned he used to live in T_____--hang on, there's a stray dog looking at me--but that he moved out to K_____ for his age, and to be with the kids again. He mentioned the storm and wished me well.

This is K______, and this is the junction where I get back on the interstate and take off. New state, new cops, new weather, and hopefully a smooth ride. The sun has reached its apex, and so it's time to get going. I have a feeling I need to beat this storm to I_______.

That stray dog has wandered off, looking for the right sedan to take him away. I am not that sedan.

--

It's so cold, and when I put my feet down off the interstate, where once there was feeling was pain. My fingers are slower, but they still work. I changed socks, and put on long underwear (truly a Midwestern garment). There's no thoughts on this interstate, so I just sit there and growl at the truck I'm drafting, the growling and the drafting keeping me warm. This is a state of astronauts, apparently, and food for farming. You were right, neither of us could ever stay in this middle of this country for too long.

No one is lost
No one needs saving
-sign above a Christian church

That's the strangest thing I've ever seen on a Christian sign. I don't quite get it. It passes right through the zero point, my dead zone. Inspiring no more feeling than a vague motion. I wonder what that pastor would say? I would be disappointed if it were something tired.

This convenience store I'm in is a combination liquor store/gas station/bank, and I don't even know how that operates. The cash register keeps making the ring sound from Sonic the Hedgehog. Man, my country is insane, and I don't even know why.

I haven't seen that part of the ocean in a while, and it's been a while since I've felt the aloha in my bones, so I'll put on old Jack. See if I warm up any.

Time to double up my insulation and see if I can make it out of K______.